THE BEAUTY OUTSIDE

It snowed outside and it is beautiful. Breathtakingly stunning. Sun falls down in golden splashes, illuminating the branches, the rooftops, and the earth’s skin in its bright, warm radiance. I wish I could enjoy the beauty. Instead, I am stuck here in bed by a magnetic force I’ve felt before; a familiar, and unwelcome foe; unknown to those blessed with spirits light. Here I lay feeling separate from the beauty. Isolated. Unaligned. An observer from outside of the wonder, unable to get in. Unable to let it in.

It’s strange how in one area of our lives we can excel and grow exponentially, and in others we so easily fall back into old patters; repeating past mistakes as if placed on hold on the telephone; our life waiting for us to learn while we listen to the same tune playing over, and over again.

There is one area of my life, or rather an area of my mind that seems to hold me back from reaching potential widespread. I try, with no avail, to be strong and ride above it. I try my damndest to compartmentalize my insides, without regard for the number of times this proves impossible. The sickness always seeps in. The badness insists on bleeding through.

Unworthiness; Is that the word? Is that the feeling that lies beneath the surface, taunting and teasing me into submission? How difficult it is to attempt to put words to the feelings that come in flashes; hot and searing, or those that stay at ground level; pervasive, persistent, and ever present. How hard it is to put a word to the experience. How hard, but how necessary it is to somehow communicate those emotions through story; through words, art, dance, film, and song. How necessary. How necessary.

written by cassidy photo by sandy rossinghol ♥