BISEXUAL

Growing up, I always knew I was Bi sexual, I just did not know the word for it.

Looking back at the most innocent years of my life, I remember going to my grandma’s house after school. She gave me a cheese and dill pickle sandwich, and a little toy flounder (Ariels sidekick). She then
asked me If there were any boys I liked from school. I was a bit confused why she asked for boys and not girls when she knew I had several girl friends who I was obsessed with. I told her that there was a boy that gave a woodbug to my friend… but that was it.

My grandma then told me that it would change when I was older. From the age of 5, my grandma had already made a point to assume that I was heterosexual (of course, she intended no harm). This influenced me to only talk about boys whom I took a special interest in… and NOT girls.

Around the age of 11, a group called “That’s so Gay Is not Okay” came to our school. They talked about how it was not okay to refer to things we don’t like as “being gay” (Captain Obvious Here). They only talked about Gay guys and Lesbian women. I thought that makes so much sense because I have been feeling romantic thoughts towards some of my female friends, and they don’t seem to express these feelings towards their other female friends… it made sense until a woman summarized the whole diversity and anti-bullying workshop to mean that being gay meant guys liking only guys, and being a lesbian meant only liking women. I remembered that I also liked my friends brother, so I thought I could not possibly be a lesbian.

Just like that, I was more confused about my sexual identity than ever. I then identified as straight, because I knew I was definitely not a lesbian, and thus the alternative default was straight. I was too young to understand that things could exist outside of a binary system. I went from 11-13 fantasizing about both girls and boys, and wondering why I liked them both… until, the extraordinary came on TV… TillllaTequila. I know, not good!

Tilla ’s show was about a woman who was choosing love between both male, and female contestants, just like the bachelor, but hyper-sexualized (and of course the host was bisexual).

This was amazing to me. After the first show, I stayed up till 12 for my mom to come home to tell her that I had just discovered something about myself. I said; “mom, I just watched Tilla Tequila, and I found out I am bisexual!” She immediately told me that I was too easily influenced by TV, and that there was no such thing as a woman who was truly bisexual, accompanied by other untruths, and unkind words.

Although my mother’s reaction was unsupportive, simply having a word for a piece of my identity was enough for me to feel just a little bit of love, and understanding towards myself.